AAARGUHHH

I feel overwhelmed...part of me is relieved that I am finally feeling overwhelmed...I think I'm suppose to feel that way as part of the process of getting inducted into the world of working professionals. So, now that I am, ARRRRRRGUH! It all came crashing down like waves breaking over my head...and thoughts swam and crammed into a space too small to contain them all...names, names, names, too many names, and along with them histories and points to remember, allergies, developmental levels, family members, family dynamics, funding sources, reports to do, hobbies, therapies, schedules, lives, lives, lives...too many and too complex, twisting and wrapping around every which way. I hope I can take a deep breath, close my eyes, fix my mind on order, and pull out a name, focus on it, finish what needs to be done that associated with that name, and move on to the next, calmly, composely. Neat little boxes and defined lines are simply delightful right now.

I had piggie tails for hair today. Halloween, staff were required to dress up as part of the festivities...my suite's theme was cowgirls...since I lacked the cowboy hat, boots, shirt, belt and accessories, I figured I could do something to the hair. I borrowed the bandanna. A parent asked me what I thought of bottle feeding and transitioning from it...I said what I thought was correct by evidence based practice standards and added my own opinion based on what I saw in practice...the scary part is he said, "It's nice to know a professional's opinion on things, it gives reassurance and...professional (implying trustworthy)." Was what I said right? Was it true? I guess my deal is no one really takes me seriously most of the time, and my opinion never really counted all that much...and now it does...yikes! I am careful in what I say all the time, it tires me out...I have to be careful what I say to different persons, how much information I share...all this red tape and whatnot. At times I feel odd...here I am, hardly much experience to hoot about and being asked questions that weigh a heck of a lot. One of the little ones in my suite started coughing during snack time...as the speechie in the room, that was my call to investigate what was going on with the swallowing. My heart stopped when she showed no sign of stopping and the cough sounded far back in the throat...not a good sign...if she hadn't stopped coughing, as the person nearest to her, I would have start the Heimlich or CPR if things got worse...THANK GOD she managed to cough out the piece of food from her mouth. I was FREAKING out for sure...I had positions in my mind and was deciding if she was little enough to be treated like an infant or a small child...how many pushes, how much force...I've only done it on dummies!!! And she's such a fragile child too...low tone. I am so so so so glad something turned out to be nothing and I hope I never will have to perform any BLS on any child! It's odd still, how calm and anxious I feel at the same time. And calm...I had a patient that had mini seizures all the time, medication couldn't treat it completely. So midway therapy, he would seize and I'd be terrified it would get worse, and would pray; try to coax him out of it, and it worked mostly. Scary thing was it was hard to tell when he was having a seizure...you saw something odd about him, but seizures comes in so many ways I've learned. Funny how I got used to the routine of him seizing and being with him to help (help...more like hope with physical intervention) him through it...but it was never safe...thank goodness the nurses where done the hallway from the room!